Repent - or - "change your thinking" - Testimony
I viewed REPENT as something I had to do - without really understanding why I had to do it or what was wrong with how I was doing what I was doing trying to change. ( Were you able to follow this sentence?)
The little Church Fellowship I attended as a young girl made me knowledgeable of a Great Big God - and I was a little girl with Great Big Sin and never the two shall meet. Sunday after Sunday I would go and trust me I do not remember every Sunday as this was too many moons ago to mention but I remember always leaving with a sense of loss and I never understood why. And I remember always "trying" - and always "promising" to do better and to be better. But the problem was the "trying" added with not understanding the "why" or the "need" for the better.
After listening to the Pastor I knew I had to pen my thoughts on what God was speaking to me about on the "REPENT" and maybe through putting this on paper I can help someone else move in to the "better" with understanding.
I guess I need to go back to when I came to understand what it meant to know God and His Salvation Plan for me, for the World, for anyone who would believe. I had just gone through a searching "for my life" season and wound up back at square one.
MY big plan to become the next Loretta Lynn or Tammy Wynetta and so I quit my job at the local "sweat shop" as a seamstress of four years and caught a Greyhound bus to Nashville TN and was now ready to move on with the deep desire and love of my life - music. I might insert here that those inner desires and dreams of every child are placed there by their Creator and are not "bad" things - if they are pointed in the right direction with the right guidance. Do not squash your child's dream - you could be squashing their entire life. ( that is an entire Blog posting itself. )
I went to Nashville and spent two weeks and then back to PA. I was able visit a recording studio and sing a couple songs for them .. but alas .. No Money means No Singing. It was a little humbling .. no .. it was extremely humbling to pack my bags and return to PA and the "sweat shop" and resume the seamstress position and close the door to the "song" in my heart.
But God had a different outlook .. and I am so glad for His Vision which looks beyond all the failures and disappointments in our lives.
It's funny how He used the very love in my heart - music - to bring me to Himself and I hope I put this "rabbit" trail on paper.
See one of my grade school teachers ( mind you I am already out of High School for 3 years now ) heard about this "country music" contest on the radio. Anyhow she was getting her hair fixed at Gladys who lived across the bridge in town and hadn't been associated with our family for many years - we had lived on the same side of the bridge as Gladys until we moved when I was in second grade. So Mrs. Malcolm mentioned this contest to Gladys and my name came up in the conversation due to just a year prior I had been singing in a local country band that did the tavern's and fire halls on Friday and Saturday evenings. So Gladys comes to visit my Mom to tell her about this contest and in the meantime I had done a horrible job on cutting and coloring my hair - so when she talked to me about the contest she also mentioned that I come visit her and allow her to "fix" my hair.
So I did just that and positioned myself in her beauty shop chair not realizing that was her means of ministering the Gospel to whomsoever.
Well Gladys began working on my hair - and God begin working on my heart. Her home became my Friday night hangout as I found her love and acceptance of me very drawing and inviting. She shared the simple love of God with me and opened her life and experiences and allowed me to hear first hand how God works or desires to work in any one's life. Every week she would invite me to Church and every week I would say "next week". But she never gave up and she never stopped allowing me to come to her house.
Then .. the day came .. when That Sunday became Every Sunday. I had risen to a beautiful sunny Sunday - and like the typical young teen of my generation went out to worship the sun and pay it's ritual of time. I had blanket in hand, already rubbed in the lotion and into the backyard I went to take in all the rays I could. I spread the blanket out on the ground and laid down and planned on a nice couple hrs of pure sunshine joy. THEN the church bells rang. Now mind you they rang every Sunday and I never noticed them or just accepted them as part of the way of life in a small town. But that day - the ringing of the bells had an added affect in my life.
Every time the bells rang, I heard this VOICE inside me say "You should be in Church". The first time I shrugged it off. It was weird but then weird things do happen in life you know without any explanation. And the Bells rang the Second time .. AND .. the second time I heard the same VOICE say the Same Thing "You should be in Church". Now I must say the Voice was beginning to get my attention. The Bells rang the THIRD time and the THIRD time I heard the SAME VOICE say the SAME THING "You should be in Church". That I could not deny anymore and needless to say the next Friday when Gladys invited me to Church - guess who was in Church that Sunday .. and almost every Sunday since.
I begin by going just to Church. I joined the Choir ( interesting they never made sure I knew HE whom I was singing the songs about ) and was enjoying this. See the difference was this Church never made me feel like I needed to change or anything. Why they never even mentioned the words, SIN or REPENT. That was until I got invited to also participate in Sunday School at the Church. WoW was I then finally in for the life change (repent) that would be the Stamp in my life forever.
The Sunday School class was taught by Edwina - a Spirit-filled Southern Baptist - whom I truly believe God had planted in that church, just for me.
Just prior to beginning the Sunday School Class I had taken on the mission to quit smoking. I figured it was very hypocritical to be attending Church and to be smoking also. There were some other aspects of my life that probably were worse than smoking, like my sweat shop language, but my language I could control on Sundays and around them and not show, but the smoking was something they could see.
So I tried .. I did the chewing gum, the lolly pops, whatever to try to keep my thoughts and my fingers off the cigarette package but it was not working. So I resolved that I would just make sure no one at Church saw me and it would be OK.
I begin to really enjoy Sunday School class. Edwina was an awesome teacher and I knew there was something different about her. She taught the Word like it was History .. but it was also Alive for today.
She always shared personal testimonies just like Gladys and made me begin to realize that the God of the Bible was alive today and not just stuck in the pages of a book .. and He wanted to be alive in my life. Edwina opened up the Word to us - and I begin to understand a little of who God was, who Jesus was, why Jesus came, what Jesus did, what the Cross meant, and that yes I had SIN in my life but God thru Jesus had come to break thru that SIN and to bring me back to Himself again thru LOVE and MERCY - not thru WORKS and ATTEMPTS on my part.
Edwina taught us two things - to Read the Word and to Pray. And so I began that every morning upon arising and before I caught my ride to work. Gladys had bought me a Living Bible which is much easier to read than King James, so every morning I would make my cup of tea, get my breakfast ready and sit down at the table with Bible and cigarettes in hand and READ and PRAY. Do not tell me that God only hears the prayers of someone who has come to salvation. I do not believe it. I know that He listened from Heaven and bottled every Word until I finally came to understand what it meant to "repent" and "believe". He worked on my heart every morning as I tried to read His Word with just my limited understanding and as I tried to make myself better thru what I could understand of His Word.
And then it happened .. I don't know how .. I can only say it is a God Thing when it happens and that YOU can not make it happen.
I begin to understand - I begin to see - and I knew that "I" could not do it. I had to "repent" - to think differently, reconsider - how and what I thought about God and life and everything. I thought "I" had to do it, that "I" had to make myself better, that "I" had to shape up, that "I" ... and the list can go on.
Just like those of old who carried the TEN COMMANDMENTS and tried to measure up. Just like those who thru the years made rules and regulations and tried to measure up to them.
REPENT means to open your mind and heart and say "Ahhh" - to see it different - as thru His Eyes and His Heart. It is no other action on our part than to simply see it - and then believe it.
And that is what I did that morning May 9th 1979 - I simply prayed "I do not know if this is REAL - but I am receiving Your Truth right now by FAITH. I accept the FACT that Jesus died on the Cross, that He arose again 3 days later. I accept the FACT that He did it for me. I accept this all by FAITH. And I ask You Father to show me that You have come into my life. If You are Real and if You have come into my life today - I ask You to show me by taking my cigarettes away. I will live for You 100% as I have lived for satan 100%. Even if none of my family ever follow You I choose to follow You today. In Jesus Name I pray - Amen"
I got up from the breakfast table - crumbled up my freshly opened pack of cigarettes and threw them in the garbage - and decided that moment that if God was real - then I was going to follow Him. I had reconsidered and was thinking differently about Who He was and What He wanted in my life. I had chosen to change my way of thinking that He was all about Rules and Regulations to the correct thinking that He was ALL about Love and a Relationship with me.
And that has been how many years ago now? Today is 1/2/2012 - and He has never failed me yet - I've been thru some testings and all - But He has always been faithful.
So coming to Jesus is not about "what you must give up". It is all about "what do you think about Jesus". Do you have the world's perspective that entangles you into a list of Do's and Don'ts and keep you from Him. Or can you stop for a moment and listen to HIM with an open mind and heart and say "Ahhh..." and reconsider and think differently on Who This Jesus is? That is how He chooses for us to "repent" and then once we choose to reconsider then we can choose to believe with understanding and move into His Kingdom and all that He has for us.
PS .. when I had crumbled up that pack of cigarettes ... that was the last time I had ever smoked or even had a desire to smoke. You can not tell me that God does not allow for us to question Him. He loves us to question - and He Loves to answer those questions. And do you see how He pursued me - throught the Gift that He placed in me and how He used it to bring me to Him. Ever since I have used the Gift of Music to return Honor and Glory to Him. Most people hide their Gifts thinking God will take it away .. why would He take back something He gave. He does not take Gifts back once given. Has He ever taken Jesus back?
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